Being a good friend
How to support someone with cancer
Finding out your friend has cancer is often a big shock.
You may be feeling scared, confused, sad, worried, angry or like things won’t be the same again. You may be unsure if it’s OK to still laugh or have fun.
These feelings are completely normal.
It is OK to be upset, and it is OK not to know what to do. It is OK to feel angry that your friend is not there for you at the moment, even if you don’t feel able to say it.
If you’re struggling, it is essential to talk to someone you trust, like a teacher, parent, or school counsellor. You are allowed to have support, too.
How to be a good friend during treatment
You don’t need to have the perfect words. Just showing up and being kind makes a big difference. Remember, your friend is still the same person inside that they were before.
Keep in touch. It could be by sending messages, video calls, letters, or just sending a funny picture or meme. They may not always be able to reply, but keep messaging or sending voice notes. When they feel able to respond, they will, and they will appreciate the fact that you keep trying. If you forget, why not set a reminder on your phone to drop them a message?
Keep inviting them to things, even if they have said no before. It helps them feel included, and maybe they will be able to come this time. Also, let them know that it is totally OK if they can’t come too. Could you change an activity to something they would be able to join in with, e.g. instead of going to the skate park, having a film night at home or going out for a drink?
Respect their space. Sometimes your friend may not want to talk or see you. That is OK too. Just letting them know that you are there when they are ready will mean so much.
Act like your usual self. Treat them the same way you always have. They are still the same person, your friend, even if they have had this difficult diagnosis. Often, they will want to hear jokes, gossip, or talk about music or films in just the same way. Normal stuff is comforting, especially if everyone else is treating them differently.
Feeling awkward is OK. Talking to someone with cancer may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you have not seen them for a while or they look very different. This is normal.
Things you can say
Do you want to talk or fancy a distraction?
Is now a good time to call, or can I call back later?
I don’t know what to say, but I am here. We know this sounds a bit cringey, but it’s kind!
That sounds really tough.
What do you feel like doing today?
Can I watch this programme with you? They may not want to talk, just be in your company.
It’s OK if you’re not OK.
Things to avoid saying or doing
At least it’s not……
You will be fine (unless they say it first and they want you to say it back)
Everything happens for a reason
Sharing any of their news before they have said it is OK
Avoid making it all about you.
Things I wish my friends knew
Sometimes I didn’t want to talk about cancer. I just wanted to laugh.
I just wanted to be normal for a few minutes.
Even when I couldn’t reply, your messages helped, as I didn’t feel so alone.
I needed you to stick around, even when I couldn’t come out.
I needed you to keep asking and not give up on me.
I needed to know you would still be my friend when I came back to school.
I needed to know that even if I looked different, it didn’t matter to you.
I was still me inside.
Remember…
Being a good friend doesn’t mean fixing everything.
It means showing up, listening and caring, even when things feel uncertain. Sometimes it means giving your friend the space they need until they feel ready.
Being there is the most important thing.
Last reveiwed October 2026. Next review due October 2029.
